Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
