The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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