Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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