1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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