I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
