you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
