I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
