i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
