omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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