the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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