shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
