Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Couch. On fire.
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