She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You are a genius and a whore.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
