We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
