is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
