I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just googled if crying burns calories
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
