I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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