just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
