I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We're too hungover to prance.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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