Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
