dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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