You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
