I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
