You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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