im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
