i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
