: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize