I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
