Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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