Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
