you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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