I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
