We won't sleep together?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize