i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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