I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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