Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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