I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
