You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
