He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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