She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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