you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
