I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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