My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
