I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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