Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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