This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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