his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
