I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
