You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
