I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Randomize
