How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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