i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
