I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
