Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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