pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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