Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize