I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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